The Perfect Body. By Me. But you already knew that

The real Michael Phelps

I’m like a damn dolphin in the water now. Check out how lean and refined I am. Speaking of water and exercise, is there an ocean in Tucson we can send Oz to? Preferably with a pair of cement shoes on? I’m really tempted to post his fat, sloppy body again, just so we can all get a good laugh. Don’t worry, I’ll X his chubby, chipmunk-cheeked face out, I mean, we wouldn’t want him to lose his job, would we? (as if there isn’t another Kinko’s he could transfer to)

451 thoughts on “The Perfect Body. By Me. But you already knew that

  1. Don’t know if any of you remember me getting banned from my parents’ subdivision pool, but I’m still banned. That old bag got me.

    You can’t keep a fish out of water, though.

      • Some old skank asked if I lived there, and I said, “Shut up, you old bag.” But she thought I called her an “old fag,” (which makes no sense at all), so she complained to the HOA, so I got banned.

        The best part of it is she had 3 of her grandchildren (losers) there, and they were acting like a bunch of assholes, so I played, “Read the pool rules,” with them. It was pretty good, have to say.

          • The sad part is my dad is the president of the HOA, sucks he had to deal with it. But he’s used to it.

            The great thing is a couple of old ladies stuck up for me, so when my parents leave in July for a month, I’m going to house sit the greyhound.

            I’m going to be splashing around in that pool like Shamu.

            Fuck the old bag. She can move.

      • Tweren’t whut thet Spurs sayd. He was ajacking orft in thet pool and thet ol womyn caut hym. Cadamino sez howdy. He sez he’ll be out the pententary in a few munths. Ah tol hym not tu not tu try tu fuk thet Game an Fish man. How du yuns lahk my spailin? Ah been goin to skool over tu Lead Hill. Ah aym agonna get my GED.

      • Man, Chief is a liberal as they come. You should see his FB feed. It’s like Gabby and Buzz Lightyear had a baby and he has Benjamin Button disease. All up on FB, spouting hippy shit.

        • I’m a lib living in TEA Partyland, Spurs. Since the stroke I’ve been kinda calm. Trying to run four little whores and herd cats in Texarkana wore me out. I’ve about got my second wind, though. I’m fixin’ to go to Tulsa this week and ransom one of my ex-sugar babies from her crazy ass gangbanger boyfriend. Oughta be an interesting Wednesday.

          • I’m more like the Billy Bob Thorton version of Davy Crockett. I still pull the occasional stunt because folks around here expect it. I’m thinking I’m gonna spend the last years of my life as an anti Walmart activist.

          • By the way Spurs, I ain’t lookin’ for love, just a reasonable semblance of it that don’t last longer than a few weeks at a time.

        • Man, I can’t believe the 180 you’ve done on politics. You did always say you were joking around, but you took it to another level with that TEA party crap.

          Seriously, share some posts. Some new employees (bitches) you have or something.

          • I’ve been recycling hos this last year. Rudy, and Alyssa (the reason I check ID now) mostly.

          • I was banging a chick named Mercedes who has a twin named Porsche. She was just as black as the crack of Midnight’s ass. The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.

          • Rudy found love this spring. Some coonass dude from Lake Charles, Louisiana. I hope she’s happy and stays that way.

          • Lake Charles is a total shithole. The girl I’m going to Tulsa after is a high yaller girl from Shreveport I met when I was working in TXK. Shreveport has the best looking mixed gals I ever seen, and I’ve seen a few.

          • Of course you are recycling hoes. How many $40 dollar hookers are there in podunk ark.?

          • I been having to lecture the younger generation to remember to pull out when cousin fuckin’.

        • The speech I gave at that TEA Party in 2010 was a buncha quotes from Hitler. I just replaced “Jew” with “Negro”. I got a standing ovation and the bastards still haven’t figured it out.

          • The Boss sold the Texarkana stations the end of February to some Australians from Alaska and carried the note. Took our debt service from $42k to $17k a month. He’s already started foreclosure proceedings on them. I’ll be back down there before the end of the year. Me and my daddy just sold off all the cows and rented out the land. I’m enjoying semi retirement.

          • I’m still there. Just don’t use my work email address for anything but work, what little I do lately. I did get to do a commercial for Mountain Oysters at the Olde Tyme Restaurant last week, though.

  2. This CBT dude.

    I never seen a guy more prouder to be sleeping with Black Tranny prostitutes since Richard Pryor.

  3. I’d forgotten how annoying this site was, you have to refresh and scroll a lot. how the hell did we ever do this all day?

  4. How did you retards get free? Drew and I are getting married next month. Guess who his best man is, its that godamned parrot.

      • Yes. I finally got him to say something else besides “Pirates In Khaki”. Now he only does it when he’s eating poppy seeds. Nasty damned bird knocked up my mom’s parakeet.

      • I do so look forward to the nuptials of Drew and his whore. Their relationship was somewhat rocky at first, then she became acclimated to being chained in the basement and soon fell for him. It was the Drakkar Noir that won her over.

        • I believe Drew to be quite excited as well. I know he has saved almost 600 dollars for their wedding night, although three times may be somewhat ambitious for a fat man his age.

          • I saw where that wretched woman who held me in captivity in Seattle has commented here. She is insane, and certifiably so.

          • I ’bout had that feathery little smartass on a spit until he puked up some green shit and played dead. I threw him out for the dogs and he up and flew off. Little sumbitch talked just like RQ, except not squeaky.

          • Fan Of The Team That Sucks, I faked my demise in order to escape from that evil cowboy in Arkansas. He had decided to prepare and serve me to his inbred, toothless relations for some celebration he called “Thar’s a critter in house, let’s eat”.

          • I made my way back to New Jersey and my true benefactor, Drew. We have been playing Pirates In Khaki every Thursday night since. I convinced Drew that such a successful broker of Obamaphones no longer need to stoop to sleeping with 60 year old Portuguese “women” and that he should capture and marry the Craig’s List Whore. I only pray that she not have an outbreak on the sacred day of their coming nuptials.

      • Haha MissTexas and her ***

        I think she was getting married too, then not, then getting married again, then not. I’m not sure what her marital status is at the moment.

        • You could always go under the categories and look at posts. Check out Skeets (Elfie) and her Halloween costume, that was a good one.

          • She was. Hey, B, you know what would be good? A pic of you posing on the hood of your Beamer, like some Hot Rod bitch.

            #Do
            #It

          • hmmm… let me think about that for a minute. i almost think that would be a little TOO attention whorey. that’s really saying a lot coming out of my mouth (hands?)

          • I think it would be hands. But what do I know? I’m not really “saying” anything, I’m typing. Of course, I suppose it is saying.

            And no, I think that would be a great post.

          • could you imagine all the flack i would get? christ. might be worth it. let me sit on that for a bit.

          • Spurs, I’ll do it if you can convince all these mofo’s to get a twitter account.

          • Well, I can’t convince everyone, but I’ll see if I can get a few.

            I know Skeets has a Twitter, she’ll follow you.

          • Because, she has a government job, and her boss (like Brooklyn’s) found all her posts on here.

          • ahhhhh man i forgot about that! did i tell you that i had to apologize to her? she said she was going to have me arrested for cyber-bullying and i just could not stop laughing.

          • Yep, I remember that red headed twat, I felt really bad about it. You were just trying to provide some entertainment.

            As far as cyber-bullying laws? Sure, unless things have changed in the past couple of years, only Ohio has cyber-bullying laws.

            Though I do think Congress will get around to passing some laws against it. Eventually.

          • i’m sure. obviously she never went through with it. she wanted to be best friends after. she bought me shit all the time and i still hated her so much. good times.

          • Yeah, that was a great post, though.

            I remember your boss made you apologize to her.

  5. in all honesty, i thought twitter was lame as fuck too. it’s turned into my primary source for news and good #jokes now. it’s not for everyone, obviously, but the more active i became on there the more it grew on me.

        • I went to Del Taco for the first time a few months back, it was like a ghetto Taco Bell. Except they had fish tacos… I didn’t order them. I could really go for some street tacos right about now. Know what I also tried for the first time recently? Kimchi tacos, they were okay but not anything special at all.

          • Boca or Blanco? Nope, I’ve never even heard of them.

            and I’m fat Sours, all I can talk about now is food, eating or eating food. Still better than yours and EV’s sportcenter crap

          • Where are they at? Is your Ruca going to kill me? I could of sworn she threatened me through your sis’s fb picture once LOL!

          • She wont if she dont know!

            DID SHE REALLY??? SORRY

            private message time.. I must know details

          • I don’t know if what she said was directed towards me or not but it was random and seemed that way. I need to look to see if I can remember what I commented on that she replied to cause I don’t remember the exact wording she used or how she would know me anyway.

  6. Oz, I think you’re right, I’m tapped out after two days.

    I figured some of you wastes would submit something, should have known better.

    Skeets is a major disappointment, you know she has 1,000 pics laying around.

  7. Spurs, you go out much in SA? I must be going to the wrong places because I can’t believe a city with that many people doesn’t have shit to do at night.

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