The Graduate


That’s right, bitches, I’m done with community college (UTSA, same shit). $50 grand later, at a job I probably could have just gotten without a degree. Of course, it looks really good along with my resume (you should see this fucking thing, I made myself out to be a winner).

When I applied for this oil exploration job (controller), I pretty much assumed a degree was required, but I wasn’t done yet. So I put I had a 3.8 GPA (yeah, right). Remember my boss saying, “Wow, you’re really doing well in school.” And I was just chuckling inside. May as well have told him I was Batman, too.

Did you hear my Batman voice, B minus? Fucking A, I nailed it. For a bit I was trying to do the Bane voice, that’s hard to do.

161 thoughts on “The Graduate

  1. Hey, just stopping in, can’t stay too long. Trying to be a good friend to Spurs and my e-bff Elfie and show up for some banter, but this place is boring me to tears. Remember when we were trying to come up with your site name?

      • Oh and happy belated birthday. I guess my invite wasn’t mailed out either? I fired my sis from MOH bc of that crap.

          • As you could probably tell that day, she and I don’t get along too well anymore.

          • Oh, duh.

            As far as what happened? Well, I drove four hours to be a good friend, arrived, QB was too busy/snobby to be a good host (nah, she was cool, actually), I met Goatee, he didn’t seem like was pissed, but I could tell he was wondering who the fuck I was, her mom and sister were asking how we knew each other (the story was that we went to middle school together, probably didn’t help I didn’t remember the name of the middle school), left after about thirty minutes (tops), then QB deleted me from FB and it just went all down hill from there.

          • I thought she was nice, QB. I hope I didn’t have anything to do with her and you falling out.

            If anything, let’s just blame DG.

          • That sounds awkward. What a horrible liar you are. But honestly, how do you tell someone that you know someone from the comment section of the dirty?

    • Pretty much, except it was kind of his family making assumptions and then putting ideas in his ear, which led to the deletion to prove I wasn’t secretly dating Spurs and having some kind of e affair or whatever. And no Spurs, she and I have never seen eye to eye. She is completely “type A” personality whereas I’m more of a laid back person. Anyhow, I apologized to Spurs profusely about the incident. Moving on from that! Lol

      • Yeah, his family sounds like detectives. Your affair partner is going to show up at the wedding.

        That’s like a murderer showing up to the crime scene with a DNA sample when the pigs are dusting for prints.

          • Funny, exactly, DG.

            I wouldn’t be surprised if hasn’t heard of phones or computers.

        • I refer to them as farm animals. Thank goodness they don’t live close to us and this was the only time I had to see them.

      • I can’t remember now but I thought it was QB that reminded me of her. But now I can’t remember. Getting old sucks.

          • AnonymousSeptember 28, 2009 at 12:36 AM

            Definitely not Britney Spears but cute nonetheless.

            Looks like your typical suburban wife with a couple of kids, drives a Tahoe, lives in a McMansion and her husband is some sort of mid level manager or executive or and attorney or doctor.

            One on the far right looks kind of like Christina Apllegate. I am guessing that she is QB’s sister.

            AnonymousSeptember 28, 2009 at 12:42 AM

            i was thinking she probably has 2 kids from 2 different men, valium and wine problem, works as a secretary at an insurance company but puts out for her married boss, drives a mini-van with a mattress in the back and probably cries herself to sleep every other night because she isnt the hot cheerleader anymore.

            i think im more accurate.

            AnonymousSeptember 28, 2009 at 12:45 AM

            No, she is still on her first husband.
            Kids are about 5 and 3.
            Tahoe is either black or white.
            She might have an Escalade.
            The house is your typical brick McMansion and is about 3,500 square feet.
            Probably has messed around on her husband a few times when he is away on business but nothing serious.
            Probably one of his friends.

            AnonymousSeptember 28, 2009 at 12:50 AM

            nah, johnny football captain knocked her up prom night and promised to marry her when he finished college because he wanted to go to the pros. neither happened and she missed out on her education. johnny ended up being a carpenter and she meet a manager at the local supermarket where she worked as a clerk. then he promised her the world and they got married. well he turned to the bottle and so did she. then he began beating her and fucking the bagger chick that worked there, the one with special needs. she divorced him and couldnt stand to be at the piggly wiggly anymore so she went to work for tom at state farm. and is there to this day.

    • Thanks, Twitter.

      And congrats on getting so many followers now. You’re welcome, pretty sure it has something to do with the comedy I’ve brought to that cesspool.

    • How do I find you on twitter, brooklyn?

      I don’t have time to go through 600 comments. So do not thank spurs for anything.

        • There’s more love thrown your way.

          I like how B minus was bitching about me not trying to get her more followers, all of a sudden she has a shit ton of them, and yet I still see no link to the site.

          I think it’s time to contact my old buddy Drunkenstepfather and see if he can get you some more Twitter love, you ingrate.

          • haha, i’m sure you could throw me in the bunch just take out the d-list

            spurs, i can’t afford to lose followers now because i linked them to lemonparty.

          • Hey, if you really want a ton of followers, Drunken Stepfather will get you a ton. Though he gets no comments, his site is really popular.

          • No cost, I’ll shoot him an e-mail if you want. We stayed in touch for a bit, though it’s been awhile now.

            I know he hasn’t forgotten me, that’s for sure. I ripped him off real well.

          • oh, no. i’ll earn my followers the old fashioned way: being whorey. i don’t want to be a burden. thanks, though.

          • Yeah, an e-mail that reads, “Can you please tweet these bitch to your followers?” is a HUGE burden.

          • You’re welcome, though. It looks like you are racking up the groupies. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you didn’t accomplish anything in life.

        • No, she couldn’t create all those characters to defend herself and be stupid.

          Still can’t believe Hollywood fucked up that gravy train. Dumb ass.

          • I don’t even remember what happened with that? She was going to pay him like 5k to host a party or something along those lines.

          • She paid him ten grand.

            Then she wanted to throw another one (stupidly), but Hollywood, being the dummy he is, pissed her off. So I worked it out to where she would pay 6,000, but he didn’t want to do it, because he said it wasn’t enough.

            Which was pure bullshit, because he came to San Antonio for bottle service and a flight for he and Ari. That’s all the dude paid.

            Though I did appreciate him coming down, it was cool seeing him.

          • Pussy, however, has gotten really cheap. 25 year hot blond girls with MBAs gotta make those student loan payments and waitressing at Chili’s ain’t gettin’ it done. Thank you Dubya.

          • CBT the OWS degenerate.

            Yeah, has nothing to do with the Dems, huh? What a joke. CBT, any idea as to why out of the Top 25 most dangerous cities in the US, 23 are run by Dems? Any theory as to why poverty and crime shows up anytime they get in power? Detroit, Chicago, Flint, on and on and on.

          • Me, too. Only Repub I voted for. Like his stance on the oil industry, I mean, we have a 10 billion dollar surplus now. Crazy.

            Was pleasantly surprised to see all the Libertarian candidates on the ballot here in TX.

          • Oh, Feinstein. Dumb old bitch. Her bodyguards carry around guns, but oh, no, we can’t. You know that bitch wants to ban all guns, right? CBT’s hero. I hope when she croaks, they put her in an oven.

            “I’m not a sixth grader.”

            Shut up, whore.

          • the bitch even has a ccw. wtf? i mean really now. and her boyfriend harvey milk the dick was shot with a fucking revolver. not an ‘assault rifle’ with ‘imploding’ bullets.

    • I still read Nik’s shit from time to time. I haven’t been able to comment since I called him a midget sand nigger about three years ago.

      • What’s up, CBT? Really hope you’ll share that commercial in the morning.

        As far as thedirty? I went back and absolutely dominated (even DG had some laughs, though she probably won’t admit it now), but I went too far and got banned.

        I mean, not comment banned, I can’t even access the site from my home. And yes, I could change up my ip, but my theory always was if someone doesn’t even post a comment I make, I don’t even want to visit the site. So I haven’t visited once since then. I remember people saying they’d leave comments that would never go through, and I was thinking, “Why the fuck would you even try again?”

          • Oh, it was good. I ripped the fuck out of this one commenter, I mean, I went WAY overboard and just ripped her soul out of her chest. Felt great.

  2. alright man, i have a meeting tomorrow so i gotta get some shut eye. i shall return tomorrow to celebrate the mid point of the site.

  3. congrats on the degree, but honestly leave the cap and gown ceremony for those under 50, unless it is your 5th masters or 3rd doctorate

    • That’s hilarious.

      Man, it’s not like I even went to the graduation. I just picked it up because I wanted to give more money to the school (what a ripoff that shit has become, crazy how much the prices have gone up).

      In all seriousness, I just bought it because of my parents, trust me, I’m well aware graduating at 36 isn’t anything to brag about. 22? Yeah.

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