Charlie Sheen is hilarious

There’s some audio of this interview he gave today to an L.A. radio station over at TMZ, but it’s kind of long. Here are some highlights. This is quality stuff:

On being perfect:

“I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t just perfect and just winning every second, and I’m not just perfect and bitching and just delivering the goods at every frickin’ turn. Look what I’m dealing with, man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee.”

On people who are concerned about him and say he has problems:

“They lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’ Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show.”

On drug problems:

“News-flash. I am special and I will never be one of you. The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning. My success rate is 100%!”

On AA:

“I was shackled and oppressed by the cult of AA for 22 years. I finally extracted myself from their troll hole and started living my life the way I want to live it. It’s vintage, outdated and stupid and it’s followed by STUPID people. I hate them violently. They will come at me. Debate me on AA right now. I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it right now with my mind. I cured it, I’m done!”

On his girlfriend and his porn skanks:

“Let me say this about the Goddesses, I don’t think the term is good enough, but when you’re bound by these terrestrial descriptions, you must use the best term available. So if you think about it dude, I’m 0-for-3 in marriage, but like in baseball, the scoreboard doesn’t lie. Never has. So what we all have is a marriage of the hearts. And to sully, contaminate, or radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract is something I’ll leave to the amateurs and bible grippers.”

On his ex-wife Brooke Mueller:

“And I just gotta add this, there was a whole firestorm about Brooke being a part of our crew. Where there were four, there are now three. Goodbye, Brooke, and good luck in your travels; you’re going to need it. Badly … She’s not there now and we are and I don’t know, winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning? Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry man, didn’t make the rules. Oops.”

On producer of 3 and a Half Men, Chuck Lorre:

“I violently hate Chaim Levine. He’s a stupid, stupid little man and a pussy punk that I’d never want to be like. That’s me being polite. That piece of shit [Lorre] took money out of my pocket, my family’s pocket, and, most importantly, my second family — my crew’s pocket. You can tell him one thing. I own him.”

I saw where CBS shut down the show, but this is a great way to go out.